Hi. My name is navelgazer, and I'm a neurotic.
I started this blog almost a year ago. Now I'm back, and promising to blog bigger than ever!
Not sure who I'm talking to, no one has EVER read this. But maybe I'll publicize this time?
I was inspired by a conversation I had on Friday. I'm an occupational therapist at a inpatient rehabilitation hospital. Our dedicated purpose is to serve persons who have had strokes or TBI, but we also work with people with orthopedic issues. I'll blog more about this later, but I needed to give you the setup as to why I found myself at 8 AM Friday morning helping an 88-year-old woman with a severely broken left arm out of bed.
I asked, as I always do, who she lives with at home. She responded, "My husband. He's wonderful but he's useless. Husbands often are, aren't they? Do you have one?"
I responded, "No, I don't have a husband yet."
She stared at me in absolute shock. "You don't?? But you're so cute!!" Then those wide eyes narrowed and she squinted intently at my face in the prototypical nearsighted way. "Wait," she said. "Where are my glasses?"
As you might imagine, this deflated the little bubble of self-esteem her first reaction had created. For the record, I distracted her from the glasses til we had moved on to safer subjects. If you think I was going to give her a chance to retract the compliment, you're gravely mistaken.
As I thought about the conversation later, I realized how many things were touched on in this brief conversation. First of all, does it seem to any of you other ladies that one of the first questions you ever get asked about yourself is about your romantic life? True, this was a grandmother, the worst offender with the "do you have a boyfriend?" question, but I think it's the case with almost anyone you'll talk to. I understand that such a question often only indicates that the person asking it is attempting to get to know you, and I also understand that romantic relationships are a crucial part of life that most people are just dying to talk about. These are the realities of life, and I try really hard to not take the realities of life personally. However, as a single person, I'd like to register the complaint that this seemingly innocent question can in fact be very loaded. Even if it's not actually said in implication of your total failure at love (sidenote: I'm a bit dramatic), it can hit you that way, especially if you're already a bit defensive about the subject (sidenote 2: defensive? me, DEFENSIVE?? NEVER!!!) Helpful hint to everyone out there--many of us are quite defensive about the subject. Maybe don't ask? Just in case you ask one of us who will get so upset they'll write a blog post about it.
Also, in my experience, this question is almost always asked of a woman. Part of that is largely because men aren't as likely to want to talk about their relationships, although maybe I'm wrong to generalize the whole gender. I would still argue that the major reason is cultural bias. I would also still argue that even today a woman's ability to attract and keep a romantic partner is rated as more important and more central to her life (and to our judgments of her life) than a man's ability. I don't believe that we'll ever resolve the question of whether this is true because women instinctively care more about romance or because women have been taught by society to care more about romance, but I believe it is true.
I am a professionally fulfilled (mostly; again, more on that later) young woman with a fantastic group of friends and a wonderful family. I attended both a woman's college and a largely female graduate program, and have had the message of a whole life drilled into my head for years. I do genuinely believe that my life is about more than whether or not I have a boyfriend (much less a husband, Ms. Friday Morning Patient) and yet there is rarely a day when I do not feel at least a moment of inadequacy about my singleness. I can't help it!! I can rationalize myself out of a paper bag, and I can set my considerable willpower towards convincing myself that I am above that doubt, but my stupid little heart will not shut up about it. "I'm--sob!!--alooooone" is something I feel frequently, even though I know--I KNOW!!!--it's not really true (see above friends, family, etc) and even though I know that even if I were actually "alone" it does not make my life meaningless.
Part of the problem is of course the reactions you get when you answer that fatal question. Most people who ask, again, are of course well-meaning. And when you say you're not committed, they launch into statements of how the single life is the way to be, or change the subject, or, if they're clueless, move on to the equally dreaded "Oh, how is that possible?" Sweet, but I'm always tempted to respond, "well, most guys can't get past my vaginal deformity" and see what happens. (sidenote 3: as far as I know, no such deformity exists.) But the Smug Marrieds of Bridget Jones' Diary are all too plentiful. One of my best friend's boyfriends asked me if I had a boyfriend, and when I replied I wasn't seriously dating anyone, he exclaimed, "Well, you need to fix that!" The Smug Married arises from the natural competitive instinct. Let's face it, we all feel insecure about something or the other, and a really easy way to try to find security is to fixate on finding people who in your mind should have even a bigger reason to be insecure. "She might have a prettier face than me, but her thighs are huge!" "My boyfriend may not be cute, but at least I have a boyfriend--unlike her!" It's petty and ugly and high school, but I shudder to think how often I have these thoughts.
As I read this back, I realize some of this seems neurotic, but I'm comforted by how many of my friends feel similarly. This is where competition comes into play in a positive way. With the social "stigma" of being single, it's easy to start feeling like you're that way because you're not good enough. Maybe you act too awkward around the opposite sex. Maybe you're emotionally unavailable. Maybe you're only cute if you're an 88-year-old woman not wearing her glasses. But when my beautiful, marvelous, intelligent friends have the same feelings of "why am I single?" it's easy to see 1, that they are amazing and their singleness is from no fault of their own, and 2, that their singleness diminishes nothing of how amazing they are. And then slowly apply that realization to yourself.
So, anyway, that's kind of enough about that. I wish I had some nice point to end with or some uplifting moral, but eh, not so much. Just a bunch of musings. And a vow to remember to JUST CHILL and enjoy my life for what it has in it, not what I think is missing. Hopefully you can do the same or enjoy your sig other...and remember not to ask anyone their romantic status :)
Much love.
